Please come in, dear Madam and Sir
May I show you our wares we have available here in Ye Olde Religion Shoppe?
Our main display shows Christianity, on special today for the not too discerning customer. See how popular it is. See how it solves all existential problems with one fell swoop. With absolutely no capital outlay on our side we offer you, in writing, a guaranteed happy afterlife, and an absolute written guarantee that you will never enter the eternal burning hell. How can you argue with these things? Can we really say these things are not true? Is it not better to rather be safe than sorry, so very sorry - for ever? And you have to admit, the very thought of smugly looking at those heathen sinners over in hell for the rest of eternity does have a certain attraction. Serves them so right for laughing at you.
And, while Christianity offers (of course) the ever-present Omni-God, like our Islamic and Judaism ranges, Christianity offers so much more. Here, if you accept the offer within the next hour, you also get ...... are you ready for this ..... Jesus !! Your very own friend, whom you will have a personal relationship with. Feeling lost, sad, scared .... your troubles are over, because Jesus loves you. He is always with you, and you can chat with him at all times. He understands you, not like those other bastards. Choose from our wide variety of Jesuses - like Sven Jesus, the blue-eyed Caucasian Jesus, Buddy Jesus, Hero Jesus, Crack-Whore Jesus, Biker Jesus, Political Jesus, Environmental Jesus and so many more. In fact, why don't you create your very own, with our Biblical Interpretation Kit?
And the chances of you not finding a tailor-made Christianity just for someone as special as you - nil, I tell you, nil. We have over 40,000 versions available in stock, with more arriving any time (ask about our brand new African Christian Ancestor Worship Special). But, let me assure you, if it should happen that somehow you are not happy with our range we can design your very own brand right here and now. For a small extra fee you even get to call yourself Pastor X.
We have over 2 billion customers, all willing to attest to the sheer wonderful experience that is Christianity. It just has to be true. Put an end to all life's pesky questions on science, morality, decisions, responsibility and stop fearing anything at all. Why think, why wonder, why bother with "I don't know" when you can have all that wonderful, unquestioning Christian Certainty. Answers, my friend, Answers, we have them all. Who made us, where do we come from, where are we going - easy.
Buddhism - too hard, Islam - all those prayers, Judaism - oy, so many rules. Ah Christianity - all the answers, all the salvation, all the time. Just give your heart to Jesus, say I'm sorry and accept that you are a sinner and dirtier than filthy rags. Christianity also provides endless opportunities to bully and manipulate other people - especially the young ones. This makes it a remarkably good religion for the parent or teacher.
So, shall I ring one up for you?
